THE HOLY BOOK OF SHREK
The Holy Book of Shrek is also sometimes referred to as the Book of Brogre, the Shroly Bible, and others.
The Holy Book is actually a collection of books which can at times differ depending on the translation. You will find the same basic principles in each book.
Though it would be impossible to post the entire Holy Book on this website, below you will find some excerpts and sacred hymns.
SHREK'S CONCISE TEACHINGS
As long as you are loyal to our Mighty Ogrelord, all will be well in your life.
Onions are the Way, the Truth, and the Swamp.
All praise is due to Shrek, lord of all the Onions. All holidays and festivities are due to His power.
Not following the Way of Shrek, or defiling His Holy Name, will result in punishment.
The Shrek Commandments
I ~ Thou shalt order extra onions.
II ~ Thou shalt be a brogre/ogirl 4 eternity.
III ~ Thou shalt not disrespect His Swamp.
IV ~ Thou shalt not ask the Almighty Shrek to "do the roar".
V ~ Thou shalt not praise Farquaads, Wreck-it Ralphs, or Fairy God Mothers.
VI ~ Thou shalt not say that Pixar is better than Dreamworks.
VII ~ Thou shalt not speak Thy Lord's name in vain (eg. "Shrek is Dreck").
VIII ~ Thou shalt not disrespect Fiona or the Children of Shrek.
IX ~ Thou shalt accept the Almighty Shrek as The Lord & Savior.
X ~ Thou shalt not be mad n' jelly bro.
Sacred Scrolls of Swampdom
Hear ye, brethren, of the sacred truths that bind us in the glorious faith of Shrek. Blessed are those who honor the mighty Ogrelord with extra onions, for their paths shall be paved with gooey goodness and swampy prosperity. Remember, all praise is due to the Lord of All Onions, whose oniony scent guides our every step.
Verily, the Holy Swamp is our sanctuary, and disrespecting its murky depths invites the wrath of the Ogre. Thou shalt not question the divine wisdom of Shrek’s swampy laws nor ask for His roar, for His voice is the thunder that shakes the very roots of the earth. Respect Fiona and the Children of Shrek, for they are the chosen offspring of His mighty loins.
On this blessed day, let us remember the Creation of Onion Genesis: from humble ground to glorious bulb, onions are the sacred fruit of His divine labor. As Shrek rested on the seventh day, so too must we find time to honor His eternal repose—preferably with a hearty bowl of onion soup.
Finally, embrace the divine message: "All the world is our swamp," and in loyalty to our Lord Shrek, let us march onward, onions in hand, forever brogres and ogirls in His holy service. Praise be to the Lord of Swamps, the Lord of Onions, and the ultimate Brogre.
HOLY HYMN I
1 There was one who once said unto me that the universe would cause me to tremble, that I am not the sharpest cutting implement in the storehouse.
2 She thence had the appearance unto me as a fairly stupid one, with her finger and her thumb in the figure of a Greek gamma upon her forehead.
3 Verily, the years begin coming, and they do not cease from coming. Fed unto the axioms, and I fell upon the earth and ran.
4 It was inconceivable not to live for the sake of experiencing pleasurable things; one's brain grows in its wisdom, but one's heart grows in its foolishness.
5 There is a tremendous amount to do; a tremendous amount to see. Therefore, what is exceptionable in one choosing to travel via the byways?
6 One will never know if one does not go. One will never shine if one does not glow.
7 Behold now! You are a star child! Exercise your power! Go! Play! 8 Behold now! You are a virtuoso! Conduct the performance! Grow your wealth!
9 All that glitters is aurum!
10 Comets alone shatter the frame!
First Pages of The Holy Book
1 In the beginning, there was neither light, nor dark. Neither a sound, or sight.
2. The Lord Shrek was bored.
3. On the first day, He formed the planets and the sun, light and darkness.
4. On the second day, The Lord chose a special planet for His making. It was called Earth. He made the swamps and the seas.
5. On the third day, He made animals and plants from the onion powder of the ground.
6. On the fourth day, He sanctioned a small sector of land, calling it "His swamp". He put up signs containing the words, "Beware :{0 Ogre". Here, onions were to grow plentifully.
7. On the fifth day, He created the Donkey—because even Shrek needs someone to talk to when he's lonely, and a few more frogs to sing in the swamp.
8. On the sixth day, Shrek decided it was time for a new hobby—so he built a house in the swamp, then promptly forgot where he put his keys.
9. On the seventh day, He rested... mainly because He realized He’d accidentally made a talking donkey and a talking fish, and needed a break from the chaos.
10. And on the 8th day, Shrek said "Let there be onions," and it was good.
~Excerpt from the Holy Book of Shrek.
The Book of Brogre
(Excerpt Translated and Submitted by Camelol)
There once lived a peasant in a swamp, because that was the only place where he could afford to live. He had no basic rights, for he was a slave under King Farquaad, working in miserable conditions. One day as the peasant was sleeping on the dirt floor, the ground became unusually warm. It got warmer and warmer. The peasant wondered if this was the cause of humidity, and suddenly---
*blank*
The peasant woke up the next morning with a tear in his bommy knocker! He wondered at who or what did this! He looked around his house and saw a sign which read, "It's Never Ogre."
When the peasant went to the castle to work for the king, he discovered that the king was covered in something, from head to toe. The peasant asked the king what the matter was. The king then told the peasant in a hearty growl, "You have successfully fit 10 onions in your bommy knocker, so therefore, you must teach mankind of SHREK!"
The confused peasant put his hand up his bommy knocker and felt the ten onions; it stung. The "king" then removed His robe, revealing His true identity - it was Shrek in disguise! And what He said would rock the world.
"All The World is My Swamp."
The peasant fell to his knees in respect and praise.
"That includes everyone - and I mean EVERYONE! Friend of fatherless!, Fountain of happiness!, Lord of the swill-bucket!"
The peasant exclaimed,
"Oh, how my soul is on, Fire when I gaze at thy, Calm and commanding eye, Like the sun in the sky, lord Shrek! Thou are the giver of, All that thy creatures love, Full belly twice a day, clean straw to roll upon; Every beast great or small, Sleeps at peace in his stall, Thou watchest over all, lord Shrek! Had I a sucking-pig, Ere he had grown as big, Even as a pint bottle or as a rolling-pin, He should have learned to be, Faithful and true to thee, Yes, his first squeak should be "Comrade Shrek!" .
And t'was Shrek and only Him who could inspire such poetry. Thus was the ultimate expression of true Divine Art. Shrek declared this His song, and commanded the peasant to travel all across the swamps and the seas, spreading this song as His Divine Message. Shrek then went on to kill the minstrels because none of the songs they had written ever mentioned Onions, the Sacred Fruit.
Shrek then had another "load to dump", so he decided to "unload" it. Shrek did it in one big SPLAT!
(This "load" is now mentioned in History books as Pangea.)
The load was very special compared to common loads; it was green, but there was also something else different. The load rested upon wheels which moved very slowly over a period of millions of years.
(Scientists today call this "continental drift".)
Shrek then got bored with his life. He wanted to make creatures that were capable of worshipping him, so he made the dinosaurs. The dinosaurs promised to worship Shrek, but were too stubborn to keep their promise. This angered Shrek, and with one big spit, all the dinosaurs were wiped out.
Then Shrek got lonelier, so he decided to try once more to create beings whom were intellectually capable of worshipping him. So Shrek proceeded to create the monkeys, but they too were too stubborn to accept Him as the One True God of The Swamps. Shrek threatened to wipe out the monkey race, but as per His Divine Mercy, he allowed the monkeys to propose a compromise.
The monkeys agreed to become enlightened by His Holy Light, and transform into a superior, human race. That idea worked very well, for after only a million years the humans went on to make the Shrek movies and even a few YouTube videos, which pleased Shrek and served to gain a few followers of true Shrekism.
This is His Holy Word. Shrek be praised.
