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Submission 1 [Mar 17, 2015, at 11:16 PM]: 
Name (optional): Jesse
Email (required): *************@*****.com 
Phone (optional):
Message, Question or Comment: Is this real?
Choose one: I am undecided or mutual about Shrek
Response:
  Greetings, loyal brogre. Shrek appreciates your dedication. The priestess you are speaking with has been following the path of Shrek for years, and has seen the holy light. She has been spoken to by Shrek and called out personally to spread His holy word. 
  Forgive me, my child, for I do not quite understand your question. Are you hoping to join our church, or to recieve more information about our Lord & Savior? Or, perhaps, you are questioning the Ogrelord's divine omnipotence, or even very existence. 
In response to the latter, I thoroughly understand your frustration. For the longest time, I myself was a follower of the Enemy (you may know him as Farquaad - we dare not speak his name in this church) until Shrek's divine light shone upon me, and I was saved for Onion. The reason I had been following the Enemy for so long was because I had no faith in my divine Creator. 
  "Shrek? Bah, you mean that green ogre? Puh-leese. He's just a character from a storybook." I defiled His holy name, stomping on the very idea of His godly presence. 
  One night, after an emotionally-charged fight with my best friend over Shrek, I began to feel a strange presence surrounding me. I initially brushed it off, thinking it was placebo. But after a few minutes of ignoring it, I began to feel a mild tingling in my anus. "It's just a hemorrhoid or something," I mused, not realizing the seriousness of my anal tingle. But the area quickly began to heat up. 
  Now, I know what you're thinking. What does this have to do with Shrek? The answer to your question lies in patience. Please read through the entirety of my story. There is a message to the madness. 
  At this point, my anus was on fire. I rushed to the freezer and began to insert icecube after icecube. But nothing seemed to work. The tears began to well up from my eyes, and I collapsed to the ground, wailing in pain. "Oh, Farquaad!" I moaned in agony. I began to truly panic and fear for my life. This was a serious issue. I reached for the cell phone in my pocket, and dialed for an ambulance. 
  The phone rang once and then the operator on the other side said, "State yer emergency,". I told him as calmly as I could, huffing breaths in-between sentences, precisely what was going on in my anal cavity. They replied, "Have ye followed necessary first-aid medical practices?" I thought about that for a minute. The ice cubes hadn't worked. "I tried ice cubes, but it didn't..."—I winced in pain—"...didn't work." I was running out of time. The pain was subsiding, and I could feel the life slipping from my body. Was this the end for me? I was only 23, ripe in my prime. My life hadn't even started yet. This couldn't be the end, I thought. 
  "Help is on the way. I need ye to follow my instructions to the letter, do ye understand?" 
  "Yes, just please, anything, god help me!" my vision began to blur and everything turned dark. I panicked for my life."
  "DEAR LORD, FARQUAAD, SHREK, ANYONE, PLEASE SAVE ME!!!" I screamed to the receiver, or what I presumed to be the receiver; I could no longer see.
  I heard the operator's voice. "Listen here, lad. I want ye to find yer pantry. There is an ingredient in yer pantry that can help ye. Ye need to go there." 
  I wasn't going to let myself die like this. I pushed myself up off the ground and dragged my failing body to the pantry. Thank Shrek, the ingredient that saved my life was on the bottom shelf. I might not be talking to you right now if it weren't. "I'm here!" I screamed at the cell phone, drooling blood. "What now? What now, What now??" I began to hyperventilate, and shake violently. I couldn't hold on to my miserable life much longer. I suddenly noticed the ringing in my ears had been getting louder, and it had now climbed to a deafening screech that pierced my eardrums. I could no longer hear the voice of the operator. I began to see a light.
  I knew this was the end, but I couldn't accept dying this way. I reached forward and thrust my hand toward the light. I found I could hold it in my hand. It felt about the size of a tomato, but it was hard and warm, like a burning star. That was the moment. I knew what I had to do.
  I sank my teeth into the "star". My mouth instantly exploded as I felt the warm, sweet fluids trickle down my throat, passing over each and every taste bud on my tongue. I drank from the sea of sweet juices, which seemed to flow endlessly, coating my throat with love. And then, everything went quiet. The ringing suddenly ceased, and there was no pain. 
  This actually caused me to panic further. Was I dead? Dying? In heaven, or hell? I tried to tear my mouth away from the object, but it seemed to force its way down my throat, causing me to gag and choke. As soon as it seemed like it was over, it would pound its way down my throat again. I could feel my warm tears burning my eyes, though I saw nothing. And then I heard it. 
  It was the singing of angels—no; a trumpet song—
  No. It was The Roar.
  I screamed through a full mouth in reply. I screamed, "Shrek is Love. Shrek is Life". 
  Just then, I felt a cool dampness wash over me. I felt as if my face had been dipped into the cool streams of Heaven's Oasis. I pulled my head up from the water. It cleansed my eyeballs, and I could see my vision returning to me. I remember first seeing all white, and then the image gradually began to materialize in my brain. I saw a puddle of white water, and my own reflection. I saw myself. But I wasn't myself. I was green. I had green trumpet-ears on my head!
  "What am I?" I whispered to the puddle. No... That reflection was not me. It was someone else. " What are we?" I asked the stranger. And then I heard His Voice.
   "We are Onion."
  I noticed that it sounded like the emergency operator on the phone. And that was when I realized. The operator on the phone had been Shrek. The "star" was not a star at all—it was, in fact, an onion. 
  I lifted my frail head from the puddle, and turned, wide-eyed, to see Shrek The Ogre by my side. He was naked - a ball of green skin caked in sweat and slime. His penis was of ogrewhelming size. It dangled there between his enormous thighs.
  He smiled at me and said, "It's all Ogre now."
  I smiled giddily, and proceeded to faint. I felt the splash of the puddle hit my head on the way down. But that was all I remembered of the event after that.
  I woke up from my week-long coma in a hospital bed. When I realized it hadn't been a dream, I panicked. But a nurse was there to calm me down. 
  "What happened? Am I dead?" I asked her. She appeared nervous.
  "I was told to explain it this way: The emergency paramedic arrived at your home to find you sprawled on your kitchen floor in a puddle of rancid onion juice. You were suffering from a rare parasitic infection that made you hallucinate, faint, and fall into a coma. It would seem that, in a frantic daze, you began desperately eating onions from your pantry—such symptoms are actually not uncommon; when a human fears death, he begins to eat to survive. So you ate onion after onion from your pantry until you fainted... I guess that's where all the onion juice came from." she smiled slightly, trying to lighten the mood. 
  "The episode could have been prevented, but the symptoms of this parasite are not very recognizable. I assume you were unaware you even had this infection."
  I nodded, still trying to grasp all of this information.
  "Since you live relatively close to this hospital, the paramedics arrived quickly, so we were thankfully able to get you cured in time. But you were unfortunately in a coma when you arrived, so we had to tend to you here in the hospital for a while." 
  "How long?" I asked.
  "Almost 8 days, since that night," she said, her gentle smile turning slightly worried. 
  "My... my butt. Is my butt okay?" I asked.
  Her worry turned into confusion, and then embarrassment. "There... were no injuries to that area. Is there pain?"
I reflected long and hard on the situation. While I was in the hospital bed, the events from my memory and the events described didn't immediately click. I actually didn't start putting the pieces together until I had left the hospital. Once it all clicked, I was certain of my fate. 
  It had to have been Shrek. His enormous flaccid penis stuck out in my mind. I dwelled upon the image for days until I finally realized that I had been orally raped by Shrek. His healing onion jizz seemed to have destroyed the infection and, in turn, saved my life. 
  After that realization, I swore my eternal allegiance to Shrek. I apologized to my friend, whom I had initially had the argument with. She had tried to warn me. But now I've seen the Holy Light. And it is time for you to do the same, my child. He can save you, too. Together, we shall become one with Onion. 
  I hope my 100% true story has convinced you to see the Way. Your patience has paid off—you've learned a valuable lesson about your creator, your life, and maybe even your faith. Trust in Him and he will guide you. Disgrace Him, and you will be punished. 

  Shrek be with you, 
  High Priestess
 
  P.S.—Do you mind if I feature this submission on the website? It will help all who are suffering come to terms with who they are. 
Response: 
  Hello High Priestess, 
  I Urge you to post this for the existence of Shrek has been proven to me. Thank you for the knowledge I have been deeply waiting for. 
  Jesse

Submission 2 [Mar 18, 2015, at 12:38 AM]:

Name (optional): Jared

Email: (required): *********@**.com

Phone (optional):

Message, Question or Comment: We sign ourselves in the name of Shrek, Fiona, and the Holy Donkey. Onion

Choose one: I am an avid Brogre/Ogirl

Response:

          Greetings, loyal brogre.
          Shrek appreciates your dedication. The priestess you are speaking with has been following the path of Shrek for years, and has seen the holy light. She has been spoken to by Shrek and called out personally to spread His holy word.


          All loyal brogres are welcome in our Church. Here are some reminders in following the path of Onion:

  • Remember to follow The Shrek Commandments. Each and every one of them. You must follow them to the letter. There are penalties for disrespecting Shrek and His Holy Commandments. Shrek will punish you in the most morbid way possible, violating you in every way physically, mentally, emotionally, and spritiually. At that point, if you wish to seek forgiveness, you may submit to Shrek's power and once again become one with Onion. Not to worry though, as long as you are loyal to our Mighty Ogrelord, all will be well in your life.

  • Remember to feast heartily on Shrekmas and Shrekmas Eve. Remember to decorate your home with a stocking for yourself, and your Swamp Tree with onions (A.K.A. "Shreking the Halls"). Remember, If onions are not native to your region, and you are unable to order them online, you may use garlic and other members of the onion family. If you are unable to do this, you may use onion shaped ornaments, signaling Shrek to leave onions in your stocking. You must cherish these onions until next year and then place them on your Swamp Tree. If you do not follow this procedure, Shrek will punish you. 

  • Don't forget All Ogre's Eve, A.K.A. Ogre'en. Keep in mind that this is a day to praise all Ogre kind, as well as Shrek's companions, by dressing up as a fairytale creature. It is recommended that you (gently) throw onions at all "Shrek or Wreck"ers that come to your doorstep. This will please Shrek tremendously. Do not forget the basic summoning ritual: Light five tea-light candles around a hand-drawn picture of Shrek beside a mirror while chanting "Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life" with your hands in the air over the candles. Shrek may then appear before you and either bless or punish you.

  • Always spread His Holy Word, and decorate your home generously with onions. Decorations and furniture such as onion shaped vases, chairs, hammocks, and ornaments will please Shrek and allow him to cast his mighty blessing upon you.

  • And of course, as always, do not forget to praise our Holy Lord and Savior every night before bed and before eating onions. Always remember to Shrek yourself before you wreck yourself.


          If you succeed in following all of the teachings of Shrek, you will be blessed with His Ogre Might, in this life and the next.
          If you have any more questions, please do not hesitate to contact us again.
 
          Do you mind if I feature this submission on the website? It will help all wanderers realize who they are.

          Shrek be with you,
          High Priestess

Response: 

          In regards to my submission, yes, please feel free to feature it on the website. 

          Shrek be with you,

          Jared