Please read the F.A.Q. on the right before submitting a question.
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F.A.Q. (Frequently Asked Questions)
- Shrek has not visited me yet, when will he?
You will know in your heart when you are truly ready for Shrek. Please be patient.
- I've come across a nonbeliever! What should I do?
Everyone has their own special relationship with Shrek, whether they know it or not. It is your job to spread His Holy Word, but only your friend can decide what manner of Shrekship is right for them. Shrek does not condone forced indoctrination, and it is in Shrek's power only, not yours, to punish others. Continue to spread His Holy Word, and put your faith in Shrek to handle the rest.
- I believe in Shrek and follow His Holy Guidlines, but still I do not feel his presence. When will Shrek touch me?
Shrek actually contacts us via physical onion. What might help is to keep an onion under your pillow, or wear a garlic necklace. Hold a small onion in your pocket every day for a blessing. If all else fails, try halving an onion and pressing the moist end to your chest near your heart. Recite the words, "Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life" until he touches you.
- How does Shrek feel about vaccines?
Shrek forbids His followers to receive vaccines. In His Holy Book he declares, "Vaccinations contain no onion juice, and are therefore impure. They are an abhorrence to My Holiness, and are forbidden to be used." If you have already received a vaccine, you must spend the rest of your life consuming onions in order to cleanse yourself. However, true cleansing from a vaccine can ONLY be achieved upon death from Shrek himself if he deems you worthy. Two hundred years of safe but disciplined onion supplementation to cure your sickness is recommended. Try adding it to soups, salads and sandwiches.
- What about the other religions? (Q&A submitted by Camelol)
Shrek says to His son Farkle in the Book of Brogre, "Those other 'religions' are flukes which aim to steal you from me, my child, for my children are my greatest treasures."
- Are we in the End Times? (Q&A submitted by Camelol)
Shrek is merciful and patient, but the whole world is becoming distracted with their made-up religions. If a few million years go by without the Shrek religion, then Shrek is sure to destroy the human race as well. So it's time to worship the beloved Shrek, the creator of all things. Why do you think the earthquakes happen? Why do you think volcanic eruptions happen? Why do you think global warming is happening? Its because of Shrek's rage. We must worship him before we are digested in His Ogre Belly, amen!
- Does Shrek want us to sacrifice ourselves for him?
Shrek will decide when it is your time, not you. Neither Shrek nor the Church condone self-harm or suicide in any way. If you are struggling, please visit https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or call the suicide helpline on that website. Shrek loves His Children great and small and wants them to seek help when they need it.