Unfortunately, we cannot post the entire Holy Book on this website. You can, however, find some excerpts here.
Hymns below.
The Holy Book is also sometimes referred to as the Book of Brogre, or the Shroly Bible.
These books can sometimes differ somewhat depending on the translators. You will find the same basic principles in each book.
Shrek's Concise Teachings
- As long as you are loyal to our Mighty Ogrelord, all will be well in your life.
- Onions are the Way, the Truth, and the Swamp.
- All praise is due to Shrek, lord of all the Onions. All holidays and festivities are due to His power.
- Not following the Way of Shrek, or defiling His Holy Name, will result in punishment.
The Shrek Commandments
I ~ Thou shalt order extra onions.
II ~ Thou shalt be a brogre/ogirl for eternity.
III ~ Thou shalt not disrespect His Swamp.
IV ~ Thou shalt not ask the Almighty Shrek to "do the roar".
V ~ Thou shalt not praise Farquaads, Wreck-it Ralphs, or Fairy God Mothers.
VI ~ Thou shalt not say that Pixar is better than Dreamworks.
VII ~ Thou shalt not speak Thy Lord's name in vain. (eg. "Shrek is Dreck")
IX ~ Thou shalt not disrespect Fiona or the Children of Shrek.
X ~ Thou shalt accept the Almighty Shrek as The Lord & Savior.
XI ~ Thou shalt not be mad n' jelly bro.
First Pages of The Holy Book
1 In the beginning, there was neither light, nor dark. Neither a sound, or sight.
2 The Lord Shrek was bored.
3 On the first day, He formed the planets and the sun, light and darkness.
4 On the second day, The Lord chose a special planet for His making. It was called Earth. He made the swamps and the seas.
5 On the third day, He made animals and plants from the onion powder of the ground.
6 On the fourth day, He sanctioned a small sector of land, calling it "His swamp". He put up signs containing the words, "Beware :{0 Ogre". Here, onions were to grow plentifully.
...
10 And on the 8th day, Shrek said "Let there be onions." and it was good.
~Excerpt from the first pages of the Holy Book of Shrek.
Youth Renditions of The Holy Book
A depiction of Shrek's son Fergle inscribing The Holy Mantra and The Shrek Commandments into the stone tablets.
-The Book of Brogre-
Onion Genesis
Excerpt Translated and Submitted by Camelol
There once lived a peasant in a swamp, because that was the only place where he could afford to live. He had no basic rights, for he was a slave under King Farquaad, working in miserable conditions. One day as the peasant was sleeping on the dirt floor, the ground became unusually warm. It got warmer and warmer. The peasant wondered if this was the cause of humidity, and suddenly---
*blank*
The peasant woke up the next morning with a tear in his bommy knocker! He wondered at who or what did this! He looked around his house and saw a sign which read, "It's Never Ogre."
When the peasant went to the castle to work for the king, he discovered that the king was covered in something, from head to toe. The peasant asked the king what the matter was. The king then told the peasant in a hearty growl, "You have successfully fit 10 onions in your bommy knocker, so therefore, you must teach mankind of SHREK!"
The confused peasant put his hand up his bommy knocker and felt the ten onions; it stung. The "king" then removed His robe, revealing His true identity - it was Shrek in disguise! And what He said would rock the world.
"All The World is My Swamp."
The peasant fell to his knees in respect and praise.
"That includes everyone - and I mean EVERYONE! Friend of fatherless!, Fountain of happiness!, Lord of the swill-bucket!"
The peasant exclaimed,
"Oh, how my soul is on, Fire when I gaze at thy, Calm and commanding eye, Like the sun in the sky, lord Shrek! Thou are the giver of, All that thy creatures love, Full belly twice a day, clean straw to roll upon; Every beast great or small, Sleeps at peace in his stall, Thou watchest over all, lord Shrek! Had I a sucking-pig, Ere he had grown as big, Even as a pint bottle or as a rolling-pin, He should have learned to be, Faithful and true to thee, Yes, his first squeak should be "Comrade Shrek!" .
And t'was Shrek and only Him who could inspire such poetry. Thus was the ultimate expression of true Divine Art. Shrek declared this His song, and commanded the peasant to travel all across the swamps and the seas, spreading this song as His Divine Message. Shrek then went on to kill the minstrels because none of the songs they had written ever mentioned Onions, the Sacred Fruit.
Shrek then had another "load to dump", so he decided to "unload" it. Shrek did it in one big SPLAT!
(This "load" is now mentioned in History books as Pangea.)
The load was very special compared to common loads; it was green, but there was also something else different. The load rested upon wheels which moved very slowly over a period of millions of years.
(Scientists today call this "continental drift".)
Shrek then got bored with his life. He wanted to make creatures that were capable of worshipping him, so he made the dinosaurs. The dinosaurs promised to worship Shrek, but were too stubborn to keep their promise. This angered Shrek, and with one big spit, all the dinosaurs were wiped out.
Then Shrek got lonelier, so he decided to try once more to create beings whom were intellectually capable of worshipping him. So Shrek proceeded to create the monkeys, but they too were too stubborn to accept Him as the One True God of The Swamps. Shrek threatened to wipe out the monkey race, but as per His Divine Mercy, he allowed the monkeys to propose a compromise.
The monkeys agreed to become enlightened by His Holy Light, and transform into a superior, human race. That idea worked very well, for after only a million years the humans went on to make the Shrek movies and even a few YouTube videos, which pleased Shrek and served to gain a few followers of true Shrekism.
This is His Holy Word. Shrek be praised.
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